5 Aug 2016
There’s a word, a thought, a feeling that is ever out of my reach.
I have this longing, yearning, desire for it.
It’s weird. I know this thought and feeling comes from the Lord. But I can’t think of it. I don’t know how to describe it. No word in the english language fits it and there’s never enough words I could tag onto it to fill it.
It’s amazing, angry, nostalgic, perfect, holy, endlessly complex yet intriguingly simple.
It embodies every color in the spectrum yet it’s only white when I look at it in my head. I can’t speak it, I don’t know what it is, I don’t even know what it means.
It’s intellectually deep, completely profound, contains wisdom, teaches lessons and can change hearts.
I know that hearing it would bring on the “Oh, that makes complete sense” response but, would be cause for endless contemplations.
“It fits here….It fits here…It fits here….”
It’s white, gray, green, dull, relaxing.
But on closer inspection it’s full of color, filled with the vibrancy of a sunset, washed in the beauty of the ocean, rugged and endearing like sand dunes.
This word encapsulates creation.
It summarizes creation.
It describes creation.
It describes wisdom.
Perfect isn’t enough to describe it.
“Perfect” doesn’t contain the right colors.
“Perfect” is a human construct of a word
“Perfect” is a symbol set to fill the void of what we can’t understand.
Humans don’t understand “perfect” it’s just a collection of lines and curves displayed in electrical impulses on a screen, or colored liquid on paper.
This word is out of my reach. Out of my mind. I feel like it’s on the tip of my tongue, like I can almost touch it, almost speak it, that if I kept striving it would be there, if I thought more I could find it, if I just searched through all the words in the english language it I would be hidden in a deep, forgotten archive.
I pray that God gives me this word but i don’t here it…
They are the things I hear; “Move, seek me, I am.”
The “word” in my head points to Him. Always. Every Time. I feel like if I could just get rid of all the other words in my head, then this would remain. It would say anything that ever needed to be said, it would fill any void that needed filling, it would give me ultimate peace, it would give me the solutions to creating. It’s infinitely greater than any word anywhere. It contains the perfect pen-strokes, the perfect amount of letters, the right color evocations, the most beautiful sounds, the greatest thoughts and wisdom.
This word has ALWAYS been the guiding force of my creative work.
I strive for it.
I search for it.
I want to hear it.
I want to see it.
I want to feel it.
I want to speak it.
But I never reach it. I never find it. I’m always just short of it.
My creations are not perfect, they exhibit some feel, but it’s never enough.
I see elements of this word in the world:
It’s colors in a foggy sunset.
It’s smell in the rain.
It’s sound in a piano.
It’s wisdom in the Bible
It’s humor in Charlie Brown
It’s enjoyment in Chess.
It’s silence in the wild.
It’s feeling in the galaxy.
It’s thoughts in books.
It’s love in my friends.
It’s calm in the river.
It’s power in the ocean.
It’s strength in humility.
It’s joy in growth.
It’s hope in discipline
It’s desire in my girlfriend.
It’s comfort in a fireplace.
It’s conviction in wisdom.
It’s joy in coffee.
Its desire is glory.
Its source is from the Lord.
This word is alive, powerful, strong, impressive, humbling, gentle, loving, patient, colorful, unattainable, graceful, patient, wrathful, loving, generous, fatherly, just, perfect, sharp, cutting, convicting, comforting…
…there’s no end to the words that it encompasses, to the feels that it creates.
Ah, this word….I look forward to hearing it someday =)